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So I don't even know where to start.

But as of now and the past couple of days I've kinda felt like the safety I used to feel is gone. What my sister told me, what mike told me and overall just this feeling that my life isn't in a bubble anymore.
Something bad CAN just as easily happen to me. and what if it will? If something serious happens to me I hope it's death and nothing less that makes me survive through it. I don't think i could take it. I consider myself a strong person, I know others might not see me as one, but I think I know better and I am. I am strong & at times weak but right now is where I feel the weakest. Like something's looming over me.
Maybe i'm just being paranoid and nothing will happen, I can only hope. but then the only question I can ask is why? Why would i be feeling this right now? Maybe i have the flu..hmm...

This feeling then leads to the feeling of being rushed. Like I have to start doing things that need to be done just in case. That I might regret if i don't. UGH.
& Lately when I can't sleep it's not because my thoughts are just wandering or whatever, or that I'm not tired, it's because I feel so uneasy. It's hard to explain, like something's watching me or near me but not someone/something necessarily good. It terrifies me, i mean who likes the feeling of being watched? And it's probably not even something like an angel. What kind of crap is that? I hear about people having these guardian angels, and then I get stuck with some kind of guardian DEVIL. unfair.
This is where I should turn to God. I feel like I need some kind of protection and who better then God? Maybe I have too much pride, maybe I'm lazy, maybe I just don't know how to go about it but I think right now I need God more than ever, if only to have the feeling of security.

I think maybe I'm being extremely Paranoid. but then what if I should listen to the feelings and do something about it...but then What the crap am I SUPPOSED to do?

EHH screw it.

SPRING BREAK.

So spring break has been pretty amazing. I've definately had some new experiences all crampacked into only a matter of days.

So far I have:

*improved my 4 wheeling skills

*Roasted Marshmellows

*Seen people catch on fire....and the burns thereafter

*Drivin in the City for the first time..oh my. (and pissed people off while doing it)

*posed for pictures with a large bear (not a real one silly)

*almost got samwiched by a diesel. :)

*drank frazil aplenty.

*eaten a questionable 'banquet' dinner at 2 a.m in the morning (thank u stormi for providing this haha)

*heard water jiggle in mah belly like a big ol can of juice swishin n swashin...:P

*had orange julius & chicken nuggets for breakfast

*watched an intense psychological thriller

*had a weird dream about prom

*stalked someone...shhh (Stormi & Mikey are the best spies!..pfffffft)

*found my luck in an amazing tank top..it'll be worn very much in the future

*actually cleaned my room

*Learned how to play texas hold'em (?) and tripoly & WIN a few times haha...

Hello There.

just watched Nick & Norah's infinite playlist. Loved it.
it's not like my favorite movie now, but it was so real.
I love movies like that. I'd watch it again fer sure.
no cheap little high school flicks with hilary duff in them.
there was the awkwardness between the 2 and then finally
the point where they became comfortable with each other.
love that. :)

So there's my review. haha.

I kinda finished my research paper. almost a full 4 pages. which almost meets the requirements I guess. Anyways.

I think i'm content with all the crazy crap going on in my head. at least for now. and that's that.

just thoughts

These are just some self evaluations that I wrote down a few nights before and after my trip up north. random yes, but they're my thoughts. here's a little trip inside my head i guess..?
(I've heard that my blog is 'depressing' and maybe too personal. I'll probably regret putting this up but who cares. I've just found out that certain people read my blog that I don't want to.
Only thing is, if u do read this, don't read it with a closed mind. otherwise u would find this depressing. It's not, I guess in some ways.)

*My life is going nowhere right now. it's just one big ol blob of boring. I almost wish something terrible happened to me just to give me some kind of emotion besides this. whatever it is.
This...waiting?

*I woke up this morning wondering who I was looking at in the mirror. She was uglier physically, tired emotionally & physically. No matter how much make up she puts on she keeps getting uglier.

*My room & my body are a lot alike these days. I keep putting junk in them, til it piles up and turns ugly. When I cleaned out my car I just threw everything in my room, to add to the huge mess I don't plan on cleaning up. I'm pretty sure spiders are living in these little piles. I hate spiders. I keep putting junk food, candy, anything in my body. And it's like I don't even WANT or crave the stuff anymore. it's to the point where I see something like candy or chips and my body cringes but I eat it anyways. I refuse anything healthy even though I know my body would love me if I just ate a dang salad or something!

*Everytime I drive past the hill on the way out of town, I wanna let go of the steering wheel & let the car roll off the edge. What would it be like? I picture it in my head. I'll spare u the ugly details but it either ends with me alive or horrifyingly dead. it's like holding something fragile and having the urge to throw it on the ground and see if it shatters or bounces with just a little chipping. is something wrong with me?

*It's like when I was a little girl, when I was sick or just laying down, I'd trace the details in the wall or on a picture(the lines)with my finger in the air. or words, closing my eyes, and tracing in the air with my finger, the words. I always assumed something was wrong with me. like autism or something retarded. my theory is still pending but i'm pretty sure i'm right.

*I hate it when the phone rings and it takes the person forever to reply. I sit there and say HELLO a million times before they talk to me. And it's usually someone with a chipper robotic voice like in the old cartoons. Bugs me. Its seems like I'm a really impatient mean person nowadays.

*When I walk, I feel myself moving & I can see where I'm going but I can't feel my legs taking me there. My head sometimes feels really light, like i'm on the verge of passing out. I'm just floating to wherever the heck I'm headed, and somehow I know where I'm going. that's a crazy thought. Me...knowing where i'm going?

*Some days i wish I cared enough to do something. Example: I really don't like my prom dress. but i feel like I've gone too far already so I pretty much have to get it. I don't feel pretty in it at all. oh well. Another example: I'm behind in school and i'll do everything this last week of the term. another example: my body & room. don't have any urge to fix either. there's a few more examples but I'm embarassed to say cuz i'm starting to sound pathetic.

*My beautiful Aunt passed away this morning from cancer. She's a strong one that's for sure. She went through hell and back and she was still so funny, & herself (not physically she was barely even there physically), only 2, 3 days before her death. She didn't like people trying to help her, even if she could barely get up, barely talk. she did them both anyways and without help. Her friend who was trying to help her, but she said no, told her not to boss her around, she just says 'i'll boss whoever I want to, it's my house!".
But now with 2 of my aunts taken from cancer, I feel like my grandma's house isn't the same happy place to go anymore. It's not the feeling of easter or spring, anymore. That's the feeling I'd get whenever we went to moab on our trips. It seems like the older I get the uglier life is getting. I hate that feeling. And i'm sick of funerals gosh dang it.

Thanx Anyways.

Sick. So sick.

of people caring.

pretending. trying.

thinking something's wrong

something must be wrong.

Tired. Exhausted.

of people needing to fix something broken.

sometimes people are best unfixed.

unfixed. unfinished. a mystery never solved but constantly

working. growing.

Delicate.Weak.

but my weakness becomes my perfection.

the person i'm supposed to be.

without it i'd be flawless, nothing real.

i'm real. i'm weak. i'm not completely broken.

but only i can pick up the pieces, and build up the person

u claimed was falling apart.

but thanks anyways.

Shut up & Be Happy

These are things that I love. I'm listing them mostly for my benefit, to focus on the good things of life.

• waking up underneath a pile of soft, warm covers (even if you have to get out of them soon)
• first hearing an amazing song that sends chills down your spine
• having that song come on on the radio when you get in a car, store, etc
• a sincere returned smile
• not even being slightly tired at 3 in the morning.
• being totally & completely lazy on a saturday morning
• the whole feeling the coming of spring brings
• Going to one of my websites and a new episode of The Office or Scrubs or any other of my fav. shows has been added!
• a long, warm, back breaking hug that you don't wanna break lose from (don't get much of these but i love em)
• laughing so hard it hurts, so hard that much later ur stomach is still sore
• singing in the shower
• rollercoaster feeling (it's crazy and it's cruel but it's amazing)
• the smell of fresh cut grass and lilacs on a summer day
• finding the perfect article of clothing for a low price :)
• a love story/movie that makes you cry it's so real
• strumming a chord on the guitar that sounds different but so perfect
• curling up in bed with junk food by my side(maybe even a bowl of melted chocolate chips & pb) and reading a book or watching a good flick
• the refreshing feeling of jumping into a cool pool of water on a hot day
• totally pigging out on chinese food (mmmmm cream cheese wontons!)
• running in the evening when it's about to get dark
• taking pictures that turn out to be really good n then spending hours messing with them in photoshop to make them even better
• seeing the lady with the pony tail on top of her head
• being able to have a good cry & let everything out that you've held in for weeks or months
• having ur ear phones in, music up REAL loud, and just watching the world go by on a trip to anywhere.
• waterfights (i miss them)
• a baby or little kid finding safety in your arms (their love is the best in the world)
• an intelligent conversation about anything & everything, that lasts until who knows when in the a.m.
• seeing someone you haven't seen in what seems like forever (when sometimes it's only been a few days or weeks)
• playing a pretty song on the piano
• happy gas :D
• being utterly exhausted to the point of sleep walking, and finally being able to lay your head on the pillow.
• exhilleration of driving REALLY fast over a hill
• pulling an all nighter
• seeing a pregnant woman (it's not weird ok? I think lil prego bellies are cute, but i won't have one anytime soon hahahha...ha. promise)
• sleeping under the stars. swinging under the stars
• waking up in the freezing cold and hopping in a warm almost hot shower
• watching a scary movie
• driving a 4 wheeler...WOOO!!
• sleeping/tanning in the sun :) it's warm & relaxing
• being so friggin hyper that you entertain yourself with being hyper
• getting to work with all my favorite people at once, it's a party
• customers being understanding & nice on a busy stressful day
• christmas music playing, and all the lights off in the house cept the ones on the tree
• Learning more and more about myself
• knowing you have someone you can trust in ur life, someone that'll be there for you fer always
• dressing up. (it's the little girl inside of me)
• knowing the words to a song
• head banging.
• having a weekend with the house to myself!!!
• looking into the future and seeing something good even though u don't know what it is
• drawing, sketching, doodling,
• hearing a song that reminds me of someone and thinking about them. even if it's kinda sad
• being able to lay your head down and actually SLEEP in class. (in Sivert's this reward is greatest)
• playing tennis and actually hitting the ball not out of bounds haha
• hearing an old song that you used to love, find out u still do
• reading something that really hits you, makes you think
• coming in to work & not having to make frysauce. And slow days. yay
• having totally WaCkEd dreams and remembering them so I can think about it all day :P
• seeing a cute/hot/gorgeous guy in a place you wouldn't expect..heck anywhere anytime it's good to see one.
• playing sims for hours on end
• thinking about a guy that you might could have a chance with
• passing a challenging song on guitar hero that took you countless times
• knowing that i can count on these and many more things to make me happy in my life.

There's so much more in my life that makes me happy but for now i'll leave it at this I spose, it's already pretty long. I could probably make a list of things that make me mad or sad, but that's for another time. For right now, I wanna think about the happy stuff.

You go, go now and make a happy list too. It might not make you completely happy but it's good to think about this stuff once in a while. I'll probably think of more stuff after I post this but what the heck my memory sucks! it is not reliable.

luff yew. 8)

Amor <3

This is a song by Adam Sandler, I've always loved it cuz it's funny but at the same time it's a description of the best kind of love.

"I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I'll miss you, I'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
I'll need you, I'll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink.
I could be the man who grows old with you. I wanna grow old with you <3"

Funny thing is, I don't know if I believe in all of this. People fall in love, and they think 'this is going to last FOREVER' and eventually they both lose those feelings they had in the very beginning. it's not as exciting, they've stopped caring so much. it's just...lost. There are those rare couples (mostly old ones) that still constantly show their love and it's still alive n kickin. woo
I dunno, it just makes me kinda sad that falling in love doesn't promise that feeling forever. It just fades away.
I know it sounds pessimistic of me but it's reality. And this is what's affecting my decision of marriage. A lot of marriages I see that I thought were going really well, aren't. They're staying together because they feel they have to, or maybe they're just tired and don't want to be alone. They're miserable and stuck. I don't want that, and it's pretty inevitable that if I get married the same thing will happen to me. :( it's a ways a way but it'll creep up on me, on everyone my age, really fast. I haven't even been in love, but I'm scared that if I do, it'll turn out the same as everyone else. oh well. life is...mmm beautiful.