IF

It's been a thought that stabs your mind every once in a while.
starts out as a thought.
Encouraged by the loneliness & constant feeling that you're totally & completely alone.
No one understands, no one will really truly care.
there's people in your life, no one significant enough to be affected

A few days, a few months, the thoughts haven't changed when you wished they would.
but you don't think you're brave enough. Not for that.
you try to keep it a thought and only a thought. You'll never make it more than a 'what if'

Now the 'If' that once ebbed at the surface is now the only thought corrupting your head.
Finally you've become brave.
happiness is so far away, there's nothing to lose.
Not sure how to go about it but you find a way.

So close, you're shaking, crying, the world around you is blurred.
you've come this far, it's now the point of no return. Any thoughts that say otherwise are pushed away.
Sweaty hand wrapped around the weapon. Thoughts are screaming in your head. It's no longer an 'If'..it's a 'when'. When will you finally put your misery to bed. you've come so far. The thought of going back to life makes you squeeze tighter.
You're body is overwhelmed, numb, and as you pull the trigger, faces flash through your mind. Faces of people mourning, full of love for the person that you've thrown away. Faces of people who really truly loved you.
And for that split second, regret singes your senses and you're gone, into the world of more misery, more loneliness. This time there's no escape, there's no gun to take it away.


This isn't supposed to be really deep or whatever. It's not trying to be anything really..I just wrote. this is a scene that's flashed in my mind a few times weeks ago when I was probably the lowest I could be. When I thought I understood why people commited suicide, but now when I realize it, it's..just sad. simple as that. And ridiculously stupid. And the fact that there are people who really are alone makes me sad. Why can't that change? Everyone deserves to be loved.

It took a lot for me to realize how many people care about me-even just a little. A lot of angry speeches from family members & crap like that helped. I'm just completely grateful that I've got people who love me for whoever I am, and that'll be there for me whenever, even if it's a small amount of people I'm grateful for who I have. Just sayin :)
bluuuh

Wait for iiit..Prom.

Thank you so much Dallas & Dallas's Mother. She's a peach :) (and not in the bad way I assure you, but in the oh so sweet way)

And Mikey thank you for making Prom the best it could be, Sorry I was such a poo. Thank you for putting up with me.

These pictures are for you stinkers Melanie, Lynnell, Alison...whoever else that wanted to see them oh so desperately. I love you guys! (btw they're not the greatest quality cuz i just took a picture of the actual pictah...:))

My Group:

Changes.

It's like a breath of Fresh air really. This decision that I've made, to make some changes has taken a lot of time-a lot of coaching from my brothers and sisters (thanx guys).

It's gonna be hard..it already has been, but I'm in it for reals this time. I've said it a million times, I've given up a million times because of maybe people, or circumstances, but I'm just so tired...of people deciding who I am...in all honesty I don't think anyone REALLY knows who I am, but I've been figuring it out. and I'm ready to not give a crap about people liking this person because I'm going to start liking her...no no no I will LOVE her :)

I had this kind of attitude-not caring what people really thought-and they thought I was pmsy, and I was rude or whatever. First attempt, but who cares I'm done. I'm not saying this has given me all the confidence in the world, i mean it takes time, and I'm not gonna all of a sudden be like HEY This is me!!!! But I've definitely come a LONG way...woohoo..

High school is a sure Rollercoaster..and not always the fun kind. But i'm so glad I've made it this far without completely giving up.

I'm also going to be changing my room, the way I've kinda wanted it for a while-well pretty much I've wanted to do something more creative with it. I'm totally doing it, my mom helped me make that decision and It'll work out. And it'll be the best D@#* room to spend the next year or so in. My LAST years..

and I'll be outta this town, away from people that I've lived with, grown up with, loved, hated, envied, crushed on, whatever. Who knows what I'll do, but If I'm happy Now, I'll be happy then so I don't really worry about what's going to happen with my future.

Just for the much wanted play by play haha: the next update will probably be my trip to moab. I was given the idea to take a trip somewhere alone, and my trip around town doesn't count, it didn't give me that much freedom so i'm going to moab to get some much needed strings for my geetar. Hopefully. It sounds good right now...who knows. A trip up north sounds juss FABULOUS but i'm not that brave yet.

Pieces of Home

A while back I went on a little trip around town. On the way I took some pictures around town, edited some n stuff and decided these are parts-places of blanding that some people never see. I guess I can see some beauty in this little ol town.