just thoughts

These are just some self evaluations that I wrote down a few nights before and after my trip up north. random yes, but they're my thoughts. here's a little trip inside my head i guess..?
(I've heard that my blog is 'depressing' and maybe too personal. I'll probably regret putting this up but who cares. I've just found out that certain people read my blog that I don't want to.
Only thing is, if u do read this, don't read it with a closed mind. otherwise u would find this depressing. It's not, I guess in some ways.)

*My life is going nowhere right now. it's just one big ol blob of boring. I almost wish something terrible happened to me just to give me some kind of emotion besides this. whatever it is.
This...waiting?

*I woke up this morning wondering who I was looking at in the mirror. She was uglier physically, tired emotionally & physically. No matter how much make up she puts on she keeps getting uglier.

*My room & my body are a lot alike these days. I keep putting junk in them, til it piles up and turns ugly. When I cleaned out my car I just threw everything in my room, to add to the huge mess I don't plan on cleaning up. I'm pretty sure spiders are living in these little piles. I hate spiders. I keep putting junk food, candy, anything in my body. And it's like I don't even WANT or crave the stuff anymore. it's to the point where I see something like candy or chips and my body cringes but I eat it anyways. I refuse anything healthy even though I know my body would love me if I just ate a dang salad or something!

*Everytime I drive past the hill on the way out of town, I wanna let go of the steering wheel & let the car roll off the edge. What would it be like? I picture it in my head. I'll spare u the ugly details but it either ends with me alive or horrifyingly dead. it's like holding something fragile and having the urge to throw it on the ground and see if it shatters or bounces with just a little chipping. is something wrong with me?

*It's like when I was a little girl, when I was sick or just laying down, I'd trace the details in the wall or on a picture(the lines)with my finger in the air. or words, closing my eyes, and tracing in the air with my finger, the words. I always assumed something was wrong with me. like autism or something retarded. my theory is still pending but i'm pretty sure i'm right.

*I hate it when the phone rings and it takes the person forever to reply. I sit there and say HELLO a million times before they talk to me. And it's usually someone with a chipper robotic voice like in the old cartoons. Bugs me. Its seems like I'm a really impatient mean person nowadays.

*When I walk, I feel myself moving & I can see where I'm going but I can't feel my legs taking me there. My head sometimes feels really light, like i'm on the verge of passing out. I'm just floating to wherever the heck I'm headed, and somehow I know where I'm going. that's a crazy thought. Me...knowing where i'm going?

*Some days i wish I cared enough to do something. Example: I really don't like my prom dress. but i feel like I've gone too far already so I pretty much have to get it. I don't feel pretty in it at all. oh well. Another example: I'm behind in school and i'll do everything this last week of the term. another example: my body & room. don't have any urge to fix either. there's a few more examples but I'm embarassed to say cuz i'm starting to sound pathetic.

*My beautiful Aunt passed away this morning from cancer. She's a strong one that's for sure. She went through hell and back and she was still so funny, & herself (not physically she was barely even there physically), only 2, 3 days before her death. She didn't like people trying to help her, even if she could barely get up, barely talk. she did them both anyways and without help. Her friend who was trying to help her, but she said no, told her not to boss her around, she just says 'i'll boss whoever I want to, it's my house!".
But now with 2 of my aunts taken from cancer, I feel like my grandma's house isn't the same happy place to go anymore. It's not the feeling of easter or spring, anymore. That's the feeling I'd get whenever we went to moab on our trips. It seems like the older I get the uglier life is getting. I hate that feeling. And i'm sick of funerals gosh dang it.