Changes.

It's like a breath of Fresh air really. This decision that I've made, to make some changes has taken a lot of time-a lot of coaching from my brothers and sisters (thanx guys).

It's gonna be hard..it already has been, but I'm in it for reals this time. I've said it a million times, I've given up a million times because of maybe people, or circumstances, but I'm just so tired...of people deciding who I am...in all honesty I don't think anyone REALLY knows who I am, but I've been figuring it out. and I'm ready to not give a crap about people liking this person because I'm going to start liking her...no no no I will LOVE her :)

I had this kind of attitude-not caring what people really thought-and they thought I was pmsy, and I was rude or whatever. First attempt, but who cares I'm done. I'm not saying this has given me all the confidence in the world, i mean it takes time, and I'm not gonna all of a sudden be like HEY This is me!!!! But I've definitely come a LONG way...woohoo..

High school is a sure Rollercoaster..and not always the fun kind. But i'm so glad I've made it this far without completely giving up.

I'm also going to be changing my room, the way I've kinda wanted it for a while-well pretty much I've wanted to do something more creative with it. I'm totally doing it, my mom helped me make that decision and It'll work out. And it'll be the best D@#* room to spend the next year or so in. My LAST years..

and I'll be outta this town, away from people that I've lived with, grown up with, loved, hated, envied, crushed on, whatever. Who knows what I'll do, but If I'm happy Now, I'll be happy then so I don't really worry about what's going to happen with my future.

Just for the much wanted play by play haha: the next update will probably be my trip to moab. I was given the idea to take a trip somewhere alone, and my trip around town doesn't count, it didn't give me that much freedom so i'm going to moab to get some much needed strings for my geetar. Hopefully. It sounds good right now...who knows. A trip up north sounds juss FABULOUS but i'm not that brave yet.

Pieces of Home

A while back I went on a little trip around town. On the way I took some pictures around town, edited some n stuff and decided these are parts-places of blanding that some people never see. I guess I can see some beauty in this little ol town.

:\

So I don't even know where to start.

But as of now and the past couple of days I've kinda felt like the safety I used to feel is gone. What my sister told me, what mike told me and overall just this feeling that my life isn't in a bubble anymore.
Something bad CAN just as easily happen to me. and what if it will? If something serious happens to me I hope it's death and nothing less that makes me survive through it. I don't think i could take it. I consider myself a strong person, I know others might not see me as one, but I think I know better and I am. I am strong & at times weak but right now is where I feel the weakest. Like something's looming over me.
Maybe i'm just being paranoid and nothing will happen, I can only hope. but then the only question I can ask is why? Why would i be feeling this right now? Maybe i have the flu..hmm...

This feeling then leads to the feeling of being rushed. Like I have to start doing things that need to be done just in case. That I might regret if i don't. UGH.
& Lately when I can't sleep it's not because my thoughts are just wandering or whatever, or that I'm not tired, it's because I feel so uneasy. It's hard to explain, like something's watching me or near me but not someone/something necessarily good. It terrifies me, i mean who likes the feeling of being watched? And it's probably not even something like an angel. What kind of crap is that? I hear about people having these guardian angels, and then I get stuck with some kind of guardian DEVIL. unfair.
This is where I should turn to God. I feel like I need some kind of protection and who better then God? Maybe I have too much pride, maybe I'm lazy, maybe I just don't know how to go about it but I think right now I need God more than ever, if only to have the feeling of security.

I think maybe I'm being extremely Paranoid. but then what if I should listen to the feelings and do something about it...but then What the crap am I SUPPOSED to do?

EHH screw it.

SPRING BREAK.

So spring break has been pretty amazing. I've definately had some new experiences all crampacked into only a matter of days.

So far I have:

*improved my 4 wheeling skills

*Roasted Marshmellows

*Seen people catch on fire....and the burns thereafter

*Drivin in the City for the first time..oh my. (and pissed people off while doing it)

*posed for pictures with a large bear (not a real one silly)

*almost got samwiched by a diesel. :)

*drank frazil aplenty.

*eaten a questionable 'banquet' dinner at 2 a.m in the morning (thank u stormi for providing this haha)

*heard water jiggle in mah belly like a big ol can of juice swishin n swashin...:P

*had orange julius & chicken nuggets for breakfast

*watched an intense psychological thriller

*had a weird dream about prom

*stalked someone...shhh (Stormi & Mikey are the best spies!..pfffffft)

*found my luck in an amazing tank top..it'll be worn very much in the future

*actually cleaned my room

*Learned how to play texas hold'em (?) and tripoly & WIN a few times haha...

Hello There.

just watched Nick & Norah's infinite playlist. Loved it.
it's not like my favorite movie now, but it was so real.
I love movies like that. I'd watch it again fer sure.
no cheap little high school flicks with hilary duff in them.
there was the awkwardness between the 2 and then finally
the point where they became comfortable with each other.
love that. :)

So there's my review. haha.

I kinda finished my research paper. almost a full 4 pages. which almost meets the requirements I guess. Anyways.

I think i'm content with all the crazy crap going on in my head. at least for now. and that's that.

just thoughts

These are just some self evaluations that I wrote down a few nights before and after my trip up north. random yes, but they're my thoughts. here's a little trip inside my head i guess..?
(I've heard that my blog is 'depressing' and maybe too personal. I'll probably regret putting this up but who cares. I've just found out that certain people read my blog that I don't want to.
Only thing is, if u do read this, don't read it with a closed mind. otherwise u would find this depressing. It's not, I guess in some ways.)

*My life is going nowhere right now. it's just one big ol blob of boring. I almost wish something terrible happened to me just to give me some kind of emotion besides this. whatever it is.
This...waiting?

*I woke up this morning wondering who I was looking at in the mirror. She was uglier physically, tired emotionally & physically. No matter how much make up she puts on she keeps getting uglier.

*My room & my body are a lot alike these days. I keep putting junk in them, til it piles up and turns ugly. When I cleaned out my car I just threw everything in my room, to add to the huge mess I don't plan on cleaning up. I'm pretty sure spiders are living in these little piles. I hate spiders. I keep putting junk food, candy, anything in my body. And it's like I don't even WANT or crave the stuff anymore. it's to the point where I see something like candy or chips and my body cringes but I eat it anyways. I refuse anything healthy even though I know my body would love me if I just ate a dang salad or something!

*Everytime I drive past the hill on the way out of town, I wanna let go of the steering wheel & let the car roll off the edge. What would it be like? I picture it in my head. I'll spare u the ugly details but it either ends with me alive or horrifyingly dead. it's like holding something fragile and having the urge to throw it on the ground and see if it shatters or bounces with just a little chipping. is something wrong with me?

*It's like when I was a little girl, when I was sick or just laying down, I'd trace the details in the wall or on a picture(the lines)with my finger in the air. or words, closing my eyes, and tracing in the air with my finger, the words. I always assumed something was wrong with me. like autism or something retarded. my theory is still pending but i'm pretty sure i'm right.

*I hate it when the phone rings and it takes the person forever to reply. I sit there and say HELLO a million times before they talk to me. And it's usually someone with a chipper robotic voice like in the old cartoons. Bugs me. Its seems like I'm a really impatient mean person nowadays.

*When I walk, I feel myself moving & I can see where I'm going but I can't feel my legs taking me there. My head sometimes feels really light, like i'm on the verge of passing out. I'm just floating to wherever the heck I'm headed, and somehow I know where I'm going. that's a crazy thought. Me...knowing where i'm going?

*Some days i wish I cared enough to do something. Example: I really don't like my prom dress. but i feel like I've gone too far already so I pretty much have to get it. I don't feel pretty in it at all. oh well. Another example: I'm behind in school and i'll do everything this last week of the term. another example: my body & room. don't have any urge to fix either. there's a few more examples but I'm embarassed to say cuz i'm starting to sound pathetic.

*My beautiful Aunt passed away this morning from cancer. She's a strong one that's for sure. She went through hell and back and she was still so funny, & herself (not physically she was barely even there physically), only 2, 3 days before her death. She didn't like people trying to help her, even if she could barely get up, barely talk. she did them both anyways and without help. Her friend who was trying to help her, but she said no, told her not to boss her around, she just says 'i'll boss whoever I want to, it's my house!".
But now with 2 of my aunts taken from cancer, I feel like my grandma's house isn't the same happy place to go anymore. It's not the feeling of easter or spring, anymore. That's the feeling I'd get whenever we went to moab on our trips. It seems like the older I get the uglier life is getting. I hate that feeling. And i'm sick of funerals gosh dang it.

Thanx Anyways.

Sick. So sick.

of people caring.

pretending. trying.

thinking something's wrong

something must be wrong.

Tired. Exhausted.

of people needing to fix something broken.

sometimes people are best unfixed.

unfixed. unfinished. a mystery never solved but constantly

working. growing.

Delicate.Weak.

but my weakness becomes my perfection.

the person i'm supposed to be.

without it i'd be flawless, nothing real.

i'm real. i'm weak. i'm not completely broken.

but only i can pick up the pieces, and build up the person

u claimed was falling apart.

but thanks anyways.