Patio

Wow..today. Today was uneventful but so..eventful(?) at the same time. It's crazy how things are changing for me, and really overwhelming. I feel very rushed somehow. Anywho, my last day at patio-almost didn't work cuz that crazy Shannon thinks I'm Makynna..heheh. I worked with people i normally don't work with, & it wasn't crazy busy, I trained someone and I had a nice burger(that I didn't get to finish).

But I guess it hit me when I lingered at Patio that...this was my LAST time doing any of that.
I haven't cried yet or really been emotional, but i know everytime I see someone from there or go there, it's gonna be a wave of emotion. A lot of my high school years was spent there-gone through crazy powerfreak boss's, the death of a boss, mentally retarded customers requesting burgers wit cheese and uhhh petsi..etc. and it feels like I'm leaving behind a big part of me. I'll miss the people there so much, they're really amazing & fun, it's how I got to know most of the people I know. I don't even know how to sum up my experience there, but it's uhh...I'm gonna friggin miss that place. I've been holding off because I know i'd miss it, but I have to sometime. When I leave this place maybe forever. I've even been thinking about going back after summer but i really don't think I should. I also feel like i dunno..like I left something undone, I dunno. I wanted to take something from there to remember it, but then I realized I don't need something tangible to remember that dang place.

I'm also pretty much packing my room into bags & my car has become my new closet/room. I'm leaving to go up north, who knows what I'll do or when I'll come back (I'll be coming back & forth with siblings probably) but It's crazy because I feel like I'll be forgetting something or missing something. But I can't stay here where I'll be stuck...actually either place I'll be stuck I think. If I wanna do something I have to make it happen I spose.

But I have to get away, for who knows how long. Things will change when I'm gone-people will be unaffected, and life will go on. Just like after graduation. It happens. I can't stay here where I don't know what I'll be doing, if it'll be worth hearing about all the experiences I've missed because no one wanted to invite me. I don't think I can handle that for 2 whole months. Besides, I've left Patio.

I almost feel like I'm leaving...like I've graduated...& then I remember son of a poop I have one more year. That year (or the ending) will have the most overwhelming sense of change ever, & I dunno if I'm prepared. I mean I definitely want to leave, but I'm very sentimental & I'll miss the crap outta this crazy judgemental boring small town.

I have so many thoughts right now, can't write them all down. oh...this summer! :)

Old Fashioned Kind of Love

So my sister sent this email around of a letter my Grandpa Porter sent to my Grandma waaaaay back in the day. It was the sweetest dang thing that I ever did see! haha But seriously. He kept telling her how much he couldn't wait to see her & he called her darling, along with all these other sweet names. It was the typical, respectful, old fashioned love letter. (AND he said he couldn't wait til she could give him a back rub-NOT he couldn't wait til they could make out)

There was also a time when I was at the place I get my hair done-and an old woman had just got done with her hair. Her and the hair lady left for a tour of the home and The old lady's husband came in. He sat down & waited, and when they came back, they had a kiss on the lips! When they were walking out, he held her hand. I hadn't seen anything like it, so it was kind of amazing to me.
Usually love is portrayed on tv, books, all these places, as something more uh..lustful?
People don't respect each other as much nowadays I guess, I dunno I'm not sure why this old, sweet kind of love has almost been lost. It's really sad...ok so mostly I'm a little cynical when it comes to love at all...but still, love has definitely changed. Maybe not Love, but the way people love each other. There's so much divorce, cheating, unhappy couples, people who drift away and stop communicating. I guess I'm just trying to say that I wish everyone's love would at least make it through this life-follow these cute old couple's example. How are they supposed to make it through eternity if they can't make it in this life or even 20 years of the marriage? UGH it just gives you something to look foward to is all.

Randome.

I'm going to put anything that comes to mind (a technique Ms. Leung-Choi has taught me kinda haha)

*AHHH. I dunno what to write now. What the heck. I have a bajillion thoughts right now & I can't right one. I just misspelled write..

*Why does age in a relationship have to be such a big deal? I mean if someone is interested or in love with someone quite a bit older or younger than them ...I say LET THEM. ok so this does get to the point where it CAN be slightly gross...but I'm just talking like say...5,6,7..years difference? I mean c'mon it's not that bad.

*Tyra is causing a riot in the black people's world. Little black girl's hair is now becoming a controversy WORLDWIDE (I joke). They get picked on because they have 'nappy' hair. Now while I say that's sad..I also would like to point out that Tyra is running low on the 'black people are picked on sooooo much' ideas. Well here's a note to you Dearest Tyra: I hate your liver. I also dislike that you think you know everything because you're black (I swear you have white in you...which would make you VERY hypocritical..even more so don't you think?).


*My eyes burn. I need to sleep because I have a VERY important AP test to fail tomorrow.
Why am I wasting valuable time taking a test I know I'm going to fail?

*I love old(er) men. (and older men with beards love me)........hahahha didn't I just say something about this subject?

*I feel free. SO FREE.

*SCHOOL'S OUT NEXT WEEK. *fat sigh of friggin relief*

*What happens if I don't get into college. :\ What happens if I dont GO to college?

*I ate my last creamie today. It tasted bittersweet.

*Being sad or depressed sucks. But I think everyone is allowed ..or should be required to be it sometime in their life.

*Nair stinks REALLY bad but I think I've found it to be a pretty cool product.

*I'm on something called 'no sleep' and it's very unhealthy. Especially when you work EVERY day this week almost. (I'm gettin some moneeeey)

*I should probably unblock my checking account. always losing stuff...when it's RIGHT on your bed the whole time.

*Technical complicated new washing machine & dryers make me happy. I'm very trusting when it comes to them. Especially when they make beeping sounds as I press the technical buttons.

*I can't wait to wear amazing clothing this summer. If only i can BUY the amazing clothing.

*CALIFORNIAAAAAAAAA. :(

*i'm slowly finding out who I am. And I love it.

*I'm also realizing that, change happens. Embracing it is so much better than trying to stop it from happening. Change is good even when it seems it could be bad.

*Sometimes I wish I could just have some kind of model with me whenever I pass a cool place to take pictures.

*Maturity isn't determined by age. Not always experience (although I think it helps) or by always being serious.

*I really love Cage the Elephant. And Pepper. They're different & kinda like magic candy in my ears.

*I am not here to entertain. BUT if you're open minded then relax & be entertained.

*I want to see the whole world & take a buttload of pictures. but I think in this lifetime, and in this world NOW, it's nearly impossible. Someday though, It'll be like-hey I think I want to visit China today and then vrrrrrhm: China it is. u know?

*I'm a skeptic romantic (?). I didn't think I was and then I had an epiphany. I am. I wish I wasn't.

*I have a hard time believing that someone could be happy with the same person for eternity & never run out of things to say. Maybe I'll learn when I meet someone. There's a world of fishes. They could all be VERY rotten fishes though.

*WHERE'D MAH BUM GO?!!? (Dallas...Heres a heads up-I just asked 'where did my bum go?- where is your answer?)

*I'm VERY tired. I promised I wouldn't do this again. I gotta stop doing this to me. Twitching scares the customers :P

*Goodnight.

Journey of Re-doing My room

There are many things that I've learned from re-doing my room. Mostly stuff that I already knew but this pretty much brought out the worst & good things in me.

*I'm VERY impatient ...this leads to stressful outcomes especially because....

*I'm also VERY unorganized & messy

*I'm clumsy/lack some common sense: Here's the story-I dropped this edge painter thing behind the heater and whilst trying to get it out I got paint in my hair from leaning down & pressing it against the wall, & I stepped on the paint stirring stick 5 billion times. I was a mess.

*I'm determined & because of this things can actually get done....like I was determined to paint all my walls WITHOUT taking my bed or dresser completely out of the room. Basically I just moved them a little. :) tricksterrr.

Anyways..

I LOVE the transformation of my room. I wish I would've done it a long time ago, maybe I'll find a way to take it with me to college! hah...So here's the before & after pix

This was me in the middle of the process. :) so fun...

IF

It's been a thought that stabs your mind every once in a while.
starts out as a thought.
Encouraged by the loneliness & constant feeling that you're totally & completely alone.
No one understands, no one will really truly care.
there's people in your life, no one significant enough to be affected

A few days, a few months, the thoughts haven't changed when you wished they would.
but you don't think you're brave enough. Not for that.
you try to keep it a thought and only a thought. You'll never make it more than a 'what if'

Now the 'If' that once ebbed at the surface is now the only thought corrupting your head.
Finally you've become brave.
happiness is so far away, there's nothing to lose.
Not sure how to go about it but you find a way.

So close, you're shaking, crying, the world around you is blurred.
you've come this far, it's now the point of no return. Any thoughts that say otherwise are pushed away.
Sweaty hand wrapped around the weapon. Thoughts are screaming in your head. It's no longer an 'If'..it's a 'when'. When will you finally put your misery to bed. you've come so far. The thought of going back to life makes you squeeze tighter.
You're body is overwhelmed, numb, and as you pull the trigger, faces flash through your mind. Faces of people mourning, full of love for the person that you've thrown away. Faces of people who really truly loved you.
And for that split second, regret singes your senses and you're gone, into the world of more misery, more loneliness. This time there's no escape, there's no gun to take it away.


This isn't supposed to be really deep or whatever. It's not trying to be anything really..I just wrote. this is a scene that's flashed in my mind a few times weeks ago when I was probably the lowest I could be. When I thought I understood why people commited suicide, but now when I realize it, it's..just sad. simple as that. And ridiculously stupid. And the fact that there are people who really are alone makes me sad. Why can't that change? Everyone deserves to be loved.

It took a lot for me to realize how many people care about me-even just a little. A lot of angry speeches from family members & crap like that helped. I'm just completely grateful that I've got people who love me for whoever I am, and that'll be there for me whenever, even if it's a small amount of people I'm grateful for who I have. Just sayin :)
bluuuh

Wait for iiit..Prom.

Thank you so much Dallas & Dallas's Mother. She's a peach :) (and not in the bad way I assure you, but in the oh so sweet way)

And Mikey thank you for making Prom the best it could be, Sorry I was such a poo. Thank you for putting up with me.

These pictures are for you stinkers Melanie, Lynnell, Alison...whoever else that wanted to see them oh so desperately. I love you guys! (btw they're not the greatest quality cuz i just took a picture of the actual pictah...:))

My Group:

Changes.

It's like a breath of Fresh air really. This decision that I've made, to make some changes has taken a lot of time-a lot of coaching from my brothers and sisters (thanx guys).

It's gonna be hard..it already has been, but I'm in it for reals this time. I've said it a million times, I've given up a million times because of maybe people, or circumstances, but I'm just so tired...of people deciding who I am...in all honesty I don't think anyone REALLY knows who I am, but I've been figuring it out. and I'm ready to not give a crap about people liking this person because I'm going to start liking her...no no no I will LOVE her :)

I had this kind of attitude-not caring what people really thought-and they thought I was pmsy, and I was rude or whatever. First attempt, but who cares I'm done. I'm not saying this has given me all the confidence in the world, i mean it takes time, and I'm not gonna all of a sudden be like HEY This is me!!!! But I've definitely come a LONG way...woohoo..

High school is a sure Rollercoaster..and not always the fun kind. But i'm so glad I've made it this far without completely giving up.

I'm also going to be changing my room, the way I've kinda wanted it for a while-well pretty much I've wanted to do something more creative with it. I'm totally doing it, my mom helped me make that decision and It'll work out. And it'll be the best D@#* room to spend the next year or so in. My LAST years..

and I'll be outta this town, away from people that I've lived with, grown up with, loved, hated, envied, crushed on, whatever. Who knows what I'll do, but If I'm happy Now, I'll be happy then so I don't really worry about what's going to happen with my future.

Just for the much wanted play by play haha: the next update will probably be my trip to moab. I was given the idea to take a trip somewhere alone, and my trip around town doesn't count, it didn't give me that much freedom so i'm going to moab to get some much needed strings for my geetar. Hopefully. It sounds good right now...who knows. A trip up north sounds juss FABULOUS but i'm not that brave yet.