Hold your breath

These next few days are going to be an experience that's for sure.
Tonight we had a candelight dedication in the cold for Shilo & Micah. Earlier on I saw all these cousins I haven't seen in a long time and there will be more at the funeral. Pretty much I'm trying to see the good points from what's been happening and that's one of them. Seeing how much people have changed...& yes I actually do have one hot cousin so that's always good to know..hoorah.

I think I've just learned a lot. I've had all these discussions with my brother and sisters about this, and about life. My life isn't so very changed but my point of view has and I've decided I want to be someone who left their print on the world. Maybe not the world but on SOMEONE.
I want to leave people breathless, to make them want to know me, want to learn something from me. I want them to miss me when I'm gone. When I'm long gone I want to be remembered as more than just a girl who died & it was kinda sad. Micah & Shilo left some kind of print in people's lives. They didn't know it always but they made people fall madly in love with them.
I think right now I just want to know who I am and if I'm the type of girl that'll do that too. These deaths have made me think a lot about life. Who knows when death will reach out his dirty hand and claim you. I don't. I thought so badly I wanted to be taken. Right now I guess I still feel that way but I think I still want more time to at least know how much I'm worth in this world.
I feel like something in me is hiding. For example I don't sing anymore unless I'm alone. I'm pretty good sometimes but my throat closes when I have to sing in front of anyone. Hymns, in the car, anywhere. I can't do it because I'm scared. I love to sing it makes me happy, like it did in Primary, it was my favorite part. I don't know what happened in me or when it happened, but I've lost everything but fear. I'm scared to be who I am and I hate it. I hate judgment it criples me. I think that's why I love little kids so much, they just can't judge you. I think back and when I was a little kid I wasn't afraid to be who I was even if I didn't know. I wasn't scared of people because I was in my own little happy world. I miss that world. It's now really just a world of confusion and self hate. I'm gonna start doing something about that.
High school's all about finding who you are. I'm ready.